Those two dreaded words: Diet and Exercise...

If you ask me what's been on my mind lately, the truth is I could write you a book. But one of the predominate notions I've had recently is losing weight. What female over 16 doesn't constantly obsess over her weight? What really gets me thinking about this is coming across old pictures. My mother gave my grandmother our old desktop computer from my high school era. This thing is filled to the brim with pictures of "the good ole days". In my opinion, in high school, I looked my best. My senior year I became engaged in a 4 year, toxic relationship. I know you've probably heard all women tell a story about how they came to gain so much weight. A lot of them will tell you that its because of a relationship. I can really relate to that.

Most relationships consist of dinners and movies and simply being "lazy" with each other. So that athletic high school body I had, ceased to exist about 6 months into that toxic relationship I somehow got wrapped up in. When that relationship finally came to a screeching halt, I decided to do something about that weight I had gained. Last summer I dropped around 50 pounds. Granted, I probably did it in a very "unhealthy" way according to others. I chugged water constantly and kept myself from passing out with saltines and an occasional slice of deli meat for protein. I remember the exact instance that I had hit my breaking point. I worked in a retail store full of mirrors and was forced to see my image a million times a day. It disgusted me. I got off work one evening in a fit of rage. Tears, throwing things, screaming and of course on the phone with my momma. Just having a mental breakdown. I had been pushed over the edge. I was so unhappy with myself and I got that motivation to do something about it, so I did it.

That's one of my problems. I typically don't get the motivation to do things and actually keep going until I reach my breaking point. I don't know about you but I do not want to go through my life being forced to have mental breakdowns until I finally get the message: "Hey, you need to seriously do something about this!". Losing weight is constantly on my mind no matter how I look, but lately I'm just sick of myself. I'm sick of everything about me, especially my image. So before I reach my breaking point, I figured I should probably kick it into gear. A foreign concept to me. Doing something about it before I am pretty much forced to.

I am in another relationship now. This one, however, is not toxic. It's quite the opposite. It's wonderful, most days :) The only factor that it shares with my last serious relationship is dum dum dum: the weight gain. Of course. I went from eating one square meal a week and surviving on crackers to eating 2 or 3 meals a day! You can imagine the severe weight gain that comes along with that drastic of a transition. I am afraid to step on a scale, so I haven't. If I had to guess I would say I've gained two thirds of the weight back that I shed mere months ago. That's depressing. And my boyfriend Joseph, God love him, loves to eat fast food. I do too, don't get me wrong. But my hips, thighs, and tummy do not love when I do. Joseph could eat fifteen cheeseburgers and not gain an ounce of weight. I could look at one and gain ten pounds. I hate that difference between the female and male body, by the way. How unfair.

I've been researching ways to get motivated. Ridiculous. What I should have realized before I even started thinking about looking this up is that my motivation should be how unhappy I am with my body. My momma always told me, "You only get one body, so be nice to it." I have not been nice to my body. I am out of shape, I am a smoker, I eat terribly and I don't consume nearly as much water as I should. Yes I smoke. I know its awful. I also know that I'm very addicted and that as much as I'd like to quit, it's so difficult. Non-smokers do not understand how a cigarette can calm you when you need it. That's one of the very, very few pros of smoking, yes, but its the addictive one. I could go on for days about the cons of smoking. But not today. I'm focusing on the weight loss thing. Maybe my next challenge will be to quit filling my body with poison.

See? I know how bad it is to smoke and I would have my motivation just by thinking about how terrible it is for me. But I don't put it into action. One step at a time I suppose. Today, weight loss. Next month, quitting smoking. I am putting all of my effort and focus into losing weight, because Lord knows if I don't, I'll give up again. Just like with everything else. Like I said, this is going to be tough to "re-invent" myself completely. But I'm willing to try. Something has to give. I know I'm capable of being happier with myself and my life. So I'm hell bent on trying. I have no other choice. Because I won't be unhappy. That's never been me. Coming into adulthood has made me unhappy. But only because I haven't gone about it the right way. I've done everything all wrong. So at the ripe old age of twenty one, here I go. Trying to mend the burnt bridges.

Adulthood is supposed to be tough, yes. But it's also supposed to be rewarding. Accomplished. In one of my favorite movies of all time "Hope Floats", Sandra Bullock's character wraps the movie up with a monologue. A piece that really sticks out to me is when she says, "Childhood is what you spend the rest of your life trying to overcome. - Beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad, but it's the middle that counts." As you can tell, I'm a sucker for meaningful and inspirational movies. I guess I've reached the beginning of "the middle" of my life. The part that really counts. So I need to get started. A little late, none the less. But better late than never. The problem is, I have no patience. So I need to learn that this won't happen over night. I have to work towards it. And that's what I plan to do.

One last thing. I promised myself that I would talk about one positive attribute per post that I adore about myself as a booster. The one I've been thinking about since my last post is my intelligence. I am thankful that God has given me the ability to learn quickly. If only I could put everything I learn into action immediately ;) I have a lot of life experiences that makes me "wise" for my age. And when I really apply myself in school, I am above average. I haven't applied myself since tenth grade. I am ashamed of that. I think I have a beautiful mind that I am wasting. So that's my positivity for the day.

I'm a woman on a mission. My first step to achieving my personal happiness is feeling comfortable in my body again. I'm going to attempt to do it healthier this time, but I'm determined to lose this weight again. And hopefully more. I won't be looking up "how to get motivated" articles anymore. However, I'm going to look up exercise and healthy eating plans and recipes to get started on what I know I need to do. After writing this, diet and exercise don't seem that scary to me anymore. I know I can do it because I've done it before. Diet and exercise just seems attainable now. So... high school bodied Tiffany, ready or not, here I come! :)