Despite all my downfalls, failures, bad decisions made, I am a generally optimistic person. I stay happy, at least on the outside. I can't let others see how much I'm struggling with myself inside. That makes me vulnerable. I don't trust the human kind enough to let everyone know my deep, inner suffering. Do not get me wrong. I am by no means a depressed, hopeless person. So don't let all of this skew your vision of me. I am laying all of the "bad stuff" out on the table for everyone to see first; because I plan to go up from here. The "good stuff" will come later when I start finding myself. It's sad when you're twenty one years old and you still don't know yourself. I mean really know yourself. There are questions I have that are left unanswered by me. Pathetic right? I know. I'm on a mission to fix all of this. To answer those questions. To find my "word". The one word I could sum myself up in. I got that from the movie "Eat Pray Love". Julia Roberts' character is dining in Italy with all of her newfound friends and they're all telling each other the one word they could use that really pin points them down to a "T". When it comes to be her turn, she's dumbfounded. She's still looking for her word. And I am definitely still looking for mine.
Since this is my first post, I started to try and describe myself in in-depth details. There are a few things I do know about myself that I could share. I gave a little piece of my knowledge in my "about me" on my profile. Instead of putting that all in my first post, I've decided to pick one thing at a time that I adore about myself and go into details about it. Kind of like a "pick-me-up" either daily or weekly (however frequently I will be able to blog). That may sound vain to you but in my opinion it's helping me. I need to truly learn to love myself. And I figured what better way than to find qualities in myself that I enjoy? Hopefully this helps.
I've started to make some challenges for myself. Day one was to drink only water, to walk my puppies every single day and to wake up early even when I don't have to. I want to be in shape and feel good. When I sleep all day I feel like I'm wasting my life away. So I want to start taking advantage of every day that God has given to me. Day two was to take more pictures, be kinder than usual to others and to stop cursing so much. With my laptop being broken I have really realized how many memories in photographs I have in that computer. And it makes me miss having those pictures to look at, to remember the great times in my life, to pick me up on a gloomy day. Plus I love photography. Snapping pictures is one of the best feelings to me. Being kinder than usual to others. That's a no brainer. I am a firm believer in karma. I also know that most people are dealing with something stressful in their life. I know on those days when I was at my lowest I really appreciated random acts of kindness. It was like sunshine through the rain. I want to do that for others. Lastly, I need to get rid of my "potty mouth" for obvious reasons. I don't think a few mild curse words here and there are terrible when you really just have that urge to say one. But to curse like a sailor when you're supposed to be a lady is just not a good look. So I'm going to do my best to crush that nasty habit. I have been researching 30 day "better life" challenges. I hope to find one soon that suits me and will benefit me most on my journey to find myself. For now I'll keep making up my own. That may be my best option anyways.
There are a number of reasons why I decided to start this blog.
1) To find my "word"
2) To have an outlet for my thoughts (I'm better at writing than talking)
3) To let people, who are interested, into my mind and heart in order to feel less misunderstood.
4) To pick my brain in order to fall in love with myself and my life again.
Throughout this blog "journey" I plan to figure my life out. It won't be an easy task. It won't be a quick task. But I will tell you that I'm looking forward to every minute of it. I do have many regrets. There are a few I wish so badly that I could change. But I know if I did, I wouldn't have the strong head on my shoulder that I do now. I wouldn't have the lessons and experiences that I need to better myself. I feel lost majority of the time. I want to feel reattached. Another movie reference from "The Holiday". Kate Winslet's character is broken hearted and feels like her life is pathetic. She meets a little old man who saves her from herself, in a sense. He was a big time movie director or producer in his prime. In one scene, while they're having dinner, he tells her that there are two types of female roles in a movie: the leading lady and the best friend. He tells her she is the leading lady type. And she realizes that it's her life and that she should be the leading lady of her own life. Well I want to be the leading lady of my own life too. I want to make good decisions that will affect me positively for once. I want to be healthy and happy and worry less. I will have my lovely, fulfilling life of which I dream. I deserve that much; to live a life really worth living.
I'm off to start my day. I'm going to find the perfect 30 day life challenge for me. I'm going to find a job I can love myself for and stick with it. I get bored and frustrated with jobs easily. I need to stop that. Time to grow up, Tiffany. I'm going to check a few things off of my never ending to-do list. That will surely make me feel better. I'm going to really focus on accomplishing things today. Wish me luck (:
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