Old friends and life ambitions....

I feel like reflecting. I do that a lot. I have an intricate mind full of memories, useless facts and a lot of emotions. Those emotions, involuntarily, are worn on my sleeve. I can't hide the way I'm feeling. This weekend I've been on a roller coaster. Everyday I'm on a roller coaster actually. I let my emotions run my life. I'm not complaining. I wouldn't have it any other way. When I feel a certain way, I feel it to the max. Some call it a curse. Not me! That is one thing I can say I admire about myself. Though sometimes those emotions are bad, they are always raw displaying the real Tiffany Hicks.

My nearest, dearest friend came to visit me this weekend. She moved away to better her life and I don't blame her. If I could do the same thing, I surely would. She is a successful CNA at a well known hospital with her future lined up. Her schooling to become a nurse and to further her career is fully paid for. She has done so well for herself. I would love to have the motivation to do that for myself. Since I've seen someone who used to be in the same shoes as I am now do it, I've been thinking, hoping, that I can succeed at something like that as well. I have always been interested in the medical field. It's a secure career path with plenty of benefits, and room to grow, accomplish and make more money.

While I love Addie and am so very happy for her from the deepest part of my heart, I must say, being around her makes me feel less of myself. She has the perfect body, she's beautiful, she has an amazing heart and she's very successful. Loved and admired by all. I would kill to be like that. Let me let you into my mind for just a minute. You know how most girls have their "fat days"? The days when you feel fat and nothing can make you feel better? You try on 50 different outfits and nothing seems to make you feel good about yourself. And everyone else has just got to see you the way you see yourself in that mirror that day. Every girl knows about those days. Something similar to that situation for me is that when I get to thinking about how much I've failed in life and how hard it is to pick myself back up, I feel like everyone else feels the same about me. Some days I hate myself. I'm trying my hardest to love myself everyday but that's going to take time. When I hate myself, in my eyes, everyone else does too. That's how I've been feeling the past few days. It's petty of me to feel that way because of my jealousy towards someone I love so much. I admire her for getting her life in order the way she has. My jealousy has overcome me though. Do not get me wrong and think that I'm mad or angry that she's doing great for herself. That is selfish and unintelligent. I'm just upset with myself that I haven't done the same great things that she's done.

Regardless, I'm trying to snap out of my funk. Addie, Joe and I took my little brother Bubba bowling tonight. I used to work there and a few of my old friends were working. I got to be graced with their presence :) There's one in particular who I've known pretty much all my life but I had just really gotten to know her and her beautiful little family last summer. She is also an inspiration to me. Although I'd never have the courage to tell her to her face, I admire her life as well. She has the cutest little home, an even cuter little girl, and a good man to build her life with. On top of that she's surrounded by friends and family who adore her and look up to her. She holds down two jobs, takes care of her beautiful little girl and enjoys life. She is also getting married in a year or so. She has her ducks in a row. I long to be that way. To have security and stability like I mentioned in my last post. I know that everyone has stresses and worries, I'm not naive. But unlike Shelby and Addie, I don't have a stable life and job to fall back on. Yet. That's the key word, right? Anyways, this one goes out to those two girls who are on my mind tonight. Congratulations ladies! I strive to be like you two someday in the near future. And all of my other friends and family who inspire me to be better. I love you both with every little piece of my heart.

There's your little piece of Tiffany's heart and mind for tonight. I have the funds to fix my legal issue this week. I am getting my phone back. That will be a big step to feeling like myself again. I know that's sad but I'm addicted to my phone. That's how I keep in touch with my beloved friends and being without it so long has made me feel out of touch with them. I hate that. I'm off to dream of my better life. My major goals have a time limit of 3 months. Wish me luck on my deadlines. I need all I can get. Though those couple of setbacks have put a damper in my plans, I will not give up. I will keep pushing and be the woman I know I can be.